


I Gripped You Tight

by GlassRoom



Series: Ficlets [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Forbidden, Love, M/M, Orders, Profound Bond, Raised You From Perdition, closet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 19:16:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5978173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlassRoom/pseuds/GlassRoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is chosen as the one to raise Dean from Perdition, the results are catastrophic for him....until they aren't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Gripped You Tight

**Author's Note:**

> This is my take on why Castiel has not taken any steps towards showing love for Dean

Castiel waited nearby as his brothers argued vehemently about the newest Order. While he was accustomed to a certain amount of disdain from his older brothers, he was not prepared for the depths of disgust they seemed to have for him in this moment. The words they uttered stung in an almost physical way, making him cringe slightly. He tried not to hear them. He tried to drown them out. But the words found their way to his ears anyway. _Useless, inferior, inexperienced, bad choice, lesser angel, not worthy_. It was Michael that finally ended the argument by approaching Castiel.

“Are you clear on your Order?” Michael asked without bothering to hide his impatience.

“Yes. Retrieve the soul of Dean Winchester from Perdition. Return him to a resting spot on Earth. Find a vessel. Watch over Dean until further notice.” Castiel recited proudly.

“Do you understand that this soul is one of the few that is protected? That you must carry out your Order without deviation?” Michael's voice held a sneer. 

“Yes. I understand.”

“Do you have any questions?” Michael asked absently. 

Castiel paused to consider. “How do I retrieve the soul?” he asked, voice barely audible.

“Oh for pity's sake!” Castiel flinched. “You go to Perdition, find the soul, grab it by the scruff of its neck, and drag it back to Earth! Seriously, this is why you shouldn't be trusted with such an important task! Just...don't screw it up like you usually do. Got it?” Castiel gave a noise of assent. “Good. Anything else?”

Questions flooded through Castiel. _How will I know which soul is the right one? Where is my vessel? Why is this soul protected? Does my vessel know I'm coming? What is Earth like with a vessel?_ “No,” was all he could manage.

“Then go. Get it done.” And his brothers were gone.

~~~~~

Castiel found Dean's soul immediately. It was the brightest aura of goodness in a sea of evil. He rushed down to grab it, eager to show his brothers how well he could carry out an Order. As he approached, the rest of Perdition fell away from his awareness. His entire universe became this soul. Drawn like a magnet, Castiel bathed in the splendor of gratitude, joy, adoration, and acceptance that emanated from this soul. When he was close enough he positioned himself behind the human-shaped light, preparing for the rise out of Perdition. Rather than manhandle something this magnificent by grabbing the scruff, he threw his arm around the front and gripped the shoulder. Holding the beauty tight he gratefully accepted all of the light it offered to him, sending as much back as he could in return. Fueled by the desire to see this soul back in its vessel, to watch over this soul, to bask in the glory that is _this_ soul on Earth, Castiel carried his precious cargo tight against him back to safety.

~~~~~

Once he gently deposited the soul in its resting place, he went in search of a vessel. During the journey he tried to contact the soul he raised but to no avail. It seemed that his voice was too strong for humans, so Castiel redoubled his search for a vessel. Once he focused it was surprisingly easy to find one. Jimmy Novak prayed loudly and often. He took care to ensure Jimmy's soul was insulated as best he could while he acclimatized to the lack of space. It was very confining being inside a vessel after being free for so long. He had very little time to adjust when he felt the summoning. His protected soul was asking for him.

~~~~~

Watching over this soul began to create complications for Castiel. Humanity was confusing. The purity of the soul he raised was slightly different when mixed with the organic vessel, but no less fantastic. Castiel tried to understand why vessels had such compunctions about so many things and how they wanted to compartmentalize everything. Even in humanity's efforts to be accepting of each other they still judged each other harshly on arbitrary issues. So many humans he encountered had the attitude that they were accepting of others _'as long as'_. As long as she keeps her figure, as long as he has a job, as long as she shares religious beliefs, as long as he donates to charity, as long as she loves dogs.

Things like skin colour, religion, sexual preference, gender identity, and equality were the larger issues humans used to judge each other. But so many smaller things too. Inconsequential things like what someone finds funny, whether or not to wear jewelery or makeup, whether the person removes hair or not, whether they chose to have offspring, what foods were better, which hobbies were more accepting. It was so difficult for Castiel to understand. The judgment humanity placed on itself was far more damaging than any judgment he felt from home. Castiel just found it to be a frustrating waste of energy. Acceptance simply of what is and what will be was always more comforting to him. 

And what was even more frustrating was that his vessel was beginning to shape his soul as well. His core beliefs remained steadfast, which was a huge comfort. But he was starting to realize he wanted a physical relationship. He craved actual contact and intimacy in a way he had never even considered before. It could be said that he was becoming human, but that would be incorrect. He was simply different now and wanted to explore that difference and experience the joys he'd never been aware were offered. Equally confusing was that most of these new feelings were directed at one human and one human only; Dean.

Finally he decided he needed to tell this soul what he felt. How he wanted to be around Dean forever. How he would give his life for this soul. How he wanted to experience all the physical sensations his vessel had to offer with Dean. How he finally understood the concept of non-familial love. He decided to approach Dean in a dream with instructions. This way his brothers could not be aware of what he was doing. 

Before Dean could meet him, Castiel was ripped from his vessel and thrown in front of the Tribunal. Until that very moment Castiel hadn't truly been aware of the existence of this Tribunal, or the seriousness of his intended crime. He could not see them, he could simply feel them, looming and large, taking all available space around Castiel.

A voice boomed. “You have fouled a protected soul, and in turn it has fouled your grace. When you escorted the soul of Dean Winchester from Perdition, did you understand your instructions on retrieval?”

“I understood.” Castiel struggled to maintain composure. _How can it be fouling if it felt so right?_

“What was the reason for your deviation?”

Castiel could not possibly find the words to describe what he felt. How there had been no approval of this kind in his life until he gazed upon _that_ soul. How everything felt _right_ in the presence of this soul. “It felt like the right thing to do,” was all he could say.

The Tribunal was silent while they consulted each other. “The damage is done. For now and for all eternity your grace is fused with this soul.”

Castiel was overjoyed. To know that he would always have some of Dean with him, no matter what, brought him great peace. The relief quickly vanished when a new Order was sent down. Confused, he asked where this order originated.

“From Above. You will follow the Order without deviation.”

“How high is the Order?” Castiel held the barest scrap of hope that if he deviated then the only reprimand would be to fall. And if he fell, he could be with Dean without consequence.

“The Order is from God. Deviation will result in obliteration of humanity.”

Castiel was crushed. “But why?” he practically demanded. _What difference did it make in the world if he was to be with a human?_

“We have an agreement. The human vessels house souls as a symbiotic relationship in order to experience life on Earth. It is our duty to watch over them. Interference of this kind will result in obliteration.”

“Who is this agreement with? Why does it matter? Others have created Nephilim, humanity still exists.” Castiel was getting very frustrated. _Why can others have this and not him?_

“There was no bond with a protected soul in the creation of Nephilim. There was no bond with a protected soul when engaging in carnal desires. Do you understand your Order?”

“Who is the agreement with? Why is it important?” Castiel asked again.

“That is not for you to know. Do you understand your Order?”

“No, I do not.” Castiel conceded.

“Your Order is to refrain from initiating any kind of carnal knowledge with this soul and vessel known as Dean Winchester. Not physical, not verbal. The agreement is clear. If the soul and vessel known as Dean Winchester is to initiate carnal knowledge, physical or verbal, then you may reciprocate without incident. Otherwise, humanity will be obliterated.”

“But...I can hear it in his prayers...” Castiel felt his hope drain from him.

“Prayers are not initiation. Prayers are sacred.” The voice was final.

“But.... _why_?” Castiel cried.

“It is an abomination to take advantage of the soul and vessel in this manner without the express consent of said soul and vessel. That is the agreement. You serve Heaven. You are bound by the Rules. Do you understand your Order?”

“Yes,” Castiel replied tiredly. With a flutter he was returned to carry out his original Order of watching over Dean, now with the added burden of his new Order.

~~~~~

Over the years Castiel tried so hard to keep his distance. To keep away from Dean unless called upon. But he found he hovered more and more. He would watch over Dean's rest to wipe away nightmares without announcing his presence. He would pull Dean from danger without being asked. He tried to show affection in a way that did not break the Rules.

Castiel soothed himself by standing in close proximity to the soul as often as possible. When he got too close to violating his Order the Tribunal would appear as a warning. He learned that they were prepared to obliterate _him_ in order to prevent the absolute destruction of humanity. The most distressing event was when Castiel chose humanity over Heaven. Castiel expected that by removing himself and defying God that he would be released from his Order. Instead it was explained to him that he was an angel first and always, therefore bound for all eternity to the Rules.

In his desperation, Castiel became aware that his actions were more and more destructive. He simply wanted to help Dean, to take the pressure away from him so Dean could understand the depth of his affection. So that he would be relaxed enough to initiate and end this torture. Others noticed and commented. Making glib remarks about him being Dean's boyfriend, and how he would always save Dean first over everything else. But Dean gave no outward indication of seeing Castiel's actions in the same way. Castiel could hear Dean's prayers. He knew Dean felt similarly. But could not figure out how to coax Dean into doing or saying anything about how he felt.

~~~~~

After their newest battle had reached completion, Lucifer vacated Castiel. Sam and Dean wanted answers about Castiel's decision to accept Lucifer's request of a vessel, poor Jimmy Novak long since vacating therefore leaving the vessel to Castiel alone. Dean was leaning against a door frame, Sam collapsed in a chair, Castiel sitting opposite Sam. The trio exhausted beyond all measure, and yet still the brothers needed Castiel to explain himself. 

Dean and Sam listened quietly as Castiel tried to explain why he accepted, without tipping his hand about his profound love for Dean. _How can I possibly explain?_ he thought. _How can I make you understand that I am being torn apart inside? How can I put into words that my own existence is too painful if I cannot have you the way I want you? How do I show you how I feel so that you will take that ultimate first step? How do I explain the bond, and how the bond is incomplete now? How do I explain how a vessel and a soul create a single being, and the physical affection of that being is the one piece that seems to be missing in my life?_

So Castiel does what he has learned to do. Lie slightly, side step, give partial truths. Once again, he has failed. Dean has not seen his declaration. Dean does not understand. Castiel got up to leave. He vowed that he will simply not come back unless Dean calls. He vowed that he will ignore the bond and give Dean space. He vowed to himself that he will learn to savour the moments he is allowed to have. He vowed to stop pining for the moments he is not allowed. These vows are so familiar now that they have no impact any more. Just words to tell himself, to remind himself of his Order.

The brothers watch, well, Sam does. Dean's head is bowed, lost in his own thoughts. Castiel chose his exit in a manner that will bring him in close proximity to Dean once more, just to feel his soul before he leaves. To feel the bliss of Dean nearby. As he passed close to Dean, a hand stopped him. A hand that burned through his overcoat, his jacket, his shirt. A hand that was Dean's. A hand that rested on Castiel's forearm in a way that has never been done. Castiel froze, staring at the ground. 

He must wait. 

He could feel Dean's soul calling to him. He could hear his heart rate increase. He could feel the depth of the longing that existed in Dean for Castiel. He could feel the struggle within Dean as a physical force ripping him apart. 

He waited. 

Dean squeezed Castiel's arm lightly. Dean prayed loudly, declaring his undying love for Castiel, demanding to know if it is reciprocal, desperate for affirmation. Castiel grabbed the prayer and held it close. The pain of being so close to Dean and yet eons away tore at Castiel's grace. The knowledge that this was all he will ever have, all he will ever be allowed, reopened the familiar wound within him. It is not enough. 

But he must wait.

There was a whisper of his name. A whisper attached to the hand on his forearm. A whisper of need. A whisper with fear. A whisper of unending longing. A whisper of joy. A whisper with hope. A whisper of agony. A whisper with a question. But merely a whisper. Merely a name.

Obliteration has never been so close to Castiel. Keeping his mouth closed in that moment was the single most difficult action Castiel had ever performed in all of his existence. He cannot abide by destroying a world of such goodness. A world of bees. A world of peace. A world of change. A world of evolution. A world of potential. A world of joy. A world of unfounded wonders. A world of _Dean._

And so he waited.

Over the years Castiel had become acutely aware that looking at Dean had not been forbidden. Smite had not come, destruction had not ensued, obliteration had not occurred, just from looking at Dean. Ever so slowly Castiel turned his head towards the whisper. Unable to control himself he raised his eyes to meet the mossy green windows to the soul. And he _**looked.**_ He gathered every shred of desire, admiration, love, adoration, devotion, yearning, reverence, glorification, exaltation...and poured it from his eyes through the green portals directly to the soul. _That_ soul.

“Cas, say something.” That whisper again, pleading.

Castiel has become aware that the Tribunal has entered the room. He was treading on dangerous ground again. 

So he waited.

The hand burned hotter as Dean gripped tighter. “Cas, I..” still the whisper. Castiel cracked open his mouth in preparation to speak. Immediately an unfamiliar weapon of ultimate destruction rested on his throat directly above the core of his grace. He had never been this close to deviating from the Order. He closed his mouth. The weapon's pressure abated slightly but did not leave his throat.

He waited. He _looked_. He saw the soul emanating from the vessel. His entire field of vision had become green eyes and shimmering, radiating soul surrounding the vessel that made up Dean.

Dean felt imperceptibly closer to Castiel. Out of the corner of his eye Castiel watched as Dean licked his lips slightly. Dean left his mouth slightly open. 

Castiel waited. 

Somewhere far away is another whisper. A whisper of acceptance. A whisper of encouragement. A whisper of a brother. A whisper with the hugely tiny words _'go for it'._

Castiel waited. 

Dean closed his eyes and prayed harder. He moved off of the door frame and dropped his forehead against Castiel's, who offered no resistance. Castiel closed his eyes in an effort to maintain his composure.

“Cas,” Dean's hot breath caressed Castiel's lips. It took every fibre of his being to not lean forward and lick the word from Dean's mouth. Castiel parted his lips. The tip of the weapon pressed harder on Castiel's neck, pushing through the first layer of skin before stopping.

Castiel waited once again.

“Cas,” The sound now a whisper of a prayer. Castiel can no longer distinguish between the two. A fleeting feeling drifted across Castiel's lips. Unsure whether or not it was real, Castiel waited pliantly. Dean lifted his forehead away from Castiel's. Disappointment began to rise with the loss of contact but was swiftly extinguished with the knowledge that Dean was still so close they were almost touching.

“Cas,” The whisper was now a physical sensation dancing on Castiel's lips. Castiel felt the barest swipe across his aching lips. He used every available ounce of energy to remain still and relaxed, knowing the smallest pucker would grant the weapon entry to his grace. As comforting as death would be, the knowledge that Dean would not understand why he was gone kept him alive.

Castiel forced himself to wait.

He could feel Dean breathing on his mouth. He could hear the screaming prayers in his head. He projected everything he could at Dean. All of his longing. All of his wanting. All of his acceptance. All of his need. All of his _love_. And his own prayers were answered with a soft tentative meeting of Dean's mouth on his. 

The blade vanished. The Tribunal retreated. Castiel leaned forward carefully. He heard a massive crashing noise, deafening him to everything for a moment. A barrier he hadn't known existed was shattered, blown apart, annihilated. 

Dean released enough of the kiss to swipe Castiel's lip with his tongue. Castiel responded instantly. Opening his mouth, searching for Dean's tongue with his. Dean let go of Castiel's arm and they both scrabbled to get their arms around each other, wanting to press as much of themselves against the other as possible. In the distance Castiel heard a _'Yes! Finally!'_ from Sam.

Finally Castiel felt his grace touch Dean's soul with the same intensity as the time he gripped Dean tight and raised him from Perdition.


End file.
